A Guide for Guys (Post V-Day Regrets: Oh No You Didn't!)

Valentines Day has come and gone. You had your shot to impress or less. How'd you do?

Well, even if you proposed by putting a ring in her dessert and she broke a tooth or choked and had to go to the hospital, don't despair. Or if you spilled wine all over her new dress. Or if you didn't listen to my sage advice and you didn't ask her to do anything, and she cried. If you're wondering why she hasn't called you back, make sure you didn't do any of the following.

1. Did you really make her ask you out? Shame on you!!!

2. If among your cuddling and sweet talking you said anything even remotely close to, "I wish I could keep you locked up in my basement so you could never see anyone else for the rest of your life." Maybe you thought it was sweet, but it's just creepy.

3. You've been going out for 3 months and still haven't kissed her? She thinks you're gay and she's given up.

4. You drank a few too many and seem to have a big blank space in your memory. Maybe at a somewhat crucial moment. Better find out what happened next. Really. You better.

5. Did everything right and still got the cold shoulder? You got her flowers, gave her a massage, made her dinner, and sang her a great song at karaoke, even bought an embarrassingly sentimental stuffed monkey for her because you know she loves monkeys, and yet she was unmoved?

Go find someone else. You're wasting your time and she doesn't deserve you, anyway (but feel free to give me a call. I love massages. And monkeys).

A Guide for Guys (Part 3 of 3: Great Dates)

Happy Valentines Day all you love-lorn fools and lovesick puppies!

Hope everyone has a wonderful, happy, love-filled day with or without a date.

Here is the last installment of helpful hints for you men (or your man). Happily brought to you by My Traumatizing Dating Experiences, LLC. A few tips on what to do (or not) to make a date successful.

If you missed Part One and Part Two, find them here.

1. If you want a date on Friday, and you wait until Thursday (or Friday--the horror!) to ask, don't get mad if she's already made plans. If you respect her, you'll ask at least 2 or 3 days in advance, because you realize that her life does not revolve around you. Just be glad she'll make plans with you at all, and if it makes you feel better, think about the other people she'll be telling "Sorry, I'm busy," when they ask her to do something on Friday. (Plus, waiting until the last minute says she is your last priority. If that's true, you shouldn't be dating her).

2.  If your girl plans a creative surprise date for you, and you show up and realize she's taking you to a circus, and you forgot to mention that you have a deathly terror of clowns... After you run screaming from the place, please stop and consider the following (once safely inside your car where the scary clowns can't get you): a. she didn't know you hated clowns and feels stupid for not asking, b. you trampled all over her ego in your haste to tear out of there, and c. she's standing there all alone holding two tickets to the clown show, probably wondering if she should go home with that one who winked at her because at least she knows he won't abandon her at a circus. You should immediately do the following: call and explain your nut-shrinking fear of clowns stemming from a childhood viewing of IT, and then tell her you'll make it up to her by taking her out whenever she wants, to do whatever she wants, even if it's getting a couple's manicure or bikini wax. Just get one, already. You owe her.

3. If you ask a girl what she's doing all weekend and she says she has off and has no plans, ask her to do something, or you're just the asshole who left her hanging. You shouldn't have asked if you didn't want to make plans with her. And if you already have plans, ask her to come along to your motor-oil wrestling competition or drive-by shooting. She can always say no, and you'll still look like the good guy. She said she wasn't busy because (hello!) she wants you to ask her out.

4. If you ask a girl to go skiing, or sychronized swimming, or on a drive-by with you, then you have to stay with her. You asked her to hang out, remember? The point is to be together. Don't leave her, even if she says you can. Even if she tells you to. Even if she says, "I've been shot, leave me for dead. Save yourself!" She doesn't want to die alone. She wants you to hold her while she gurgles her dying breath. Or at least to hang out with her while she gets the hang of the kiddie slopes.

5. Just because neither of you have mentioned Valentines Day doesn't mean your girlfriend has forgotten about it. She probably thinks you're planning a surprise. So if you haven't made plans, call and make a quick reservation or stop and get her tickets to a show or a little something else on your way home. Because you really don't want to be that guy standing there empty-handed when his girlfriend gives him a present and says, "So, what'd you get me?"

5.1 (Bonus) Just make sure your surprise is something your girlfriend will appreciate. While some women may admire the creativity of your disemboweled teddy bear with gummy worms crawling out its empty eye-sockets, believe it or not, not all women will. Some of them may decide you are indeed a future serial killer (or a guy who might pin his restraining order to her head with a knife).

A Guide for Guys (Part 2 of 3: What Not to Do)

Hello all. That day so dreaded by singles and so anticipated by the coupled-up is rapidly approaching. In honor of the day of love, I'm giving out free advice on how to woo and court and generally please female-kind. If you're one of the fortunate ladies who has an 'other' for the day in question, but you're not sure he's quite tuned in to the finer points of dating a real live woman, feel free to share this little guide with him by 'accidentally' leaving it on the printer/counter/taped to his steering wheel.

Here are five mishaps to avoid, straight from the vast pool of my cringeworthy moments.

1. If you take your lady out to dinner and she orders a burger, don't say, "Are you sure you don't want a salad?" Don't even mention a salad. Don't even hint at it. You might think you're being subtle, but you're not. In fact, don't even look at the list of salads. And please, please, for the love of God, don't order a salad. Please.

1a. Also, never grab a girl's stomach and tell her she has muffin top. Especially on the first date. But even if you've been dating five years, just don't do it. On a related note, never tell a woman that you like how her _______ jiggles, even if you really do like it and you think it's a compliment. It's not. (If you don't believe me, imagine how you'd feel if she said YOURS jiggled... Yeah, that's what I thought).

2. If you did something bad and then got in a fight, and you tell your lady that you're going to take her out and make it up to her/talk about it, do NOT go to the following places: a strip club (I'm serious), Hooters (again, serious), Waffle House (just don't) or McDonalds (ever tried to have a serious conversation while seven unbathed children drip snot into your hair from the seat behind you?). If you're short on funds, throw on a couple of grilled cheese at home, light a candle and prepare to apologize (see Part 1, #2). We're not here for your money. We just want to know you care. Taking us out to watch a naked woman gyrate on your lap does not scream remorse, let me tell ya.

3. Don't introduce a girl by saying, "This is my friend (insert name here)" (even if you've only been on five minutes of one date) if you even want to kiss her during this lifetime. It's like being slapped. Introduce her by first name only, until you're ready to introduce her as your girlfriend. Oh, and don't introduce her as your girlfriend after the first date unless you've mutually agreed on the status beforehand. Don't tell your mom you have a girlfriend after one or two dates, either, even if your mom is really wishing you'd find a girl who will put up with you long enough to be called a girlfriend. Nothing quite so awkward as having to explain to a man's mother that you are not, in fact, his girlfriend (you're just sleeping with her son).

4. If a girl you've been gently stalking threatens to get a restraining order on you, don't tell her you're going to pin it to her head with a knife. Common sense? You'd think....

5. If you're dating a girl on Valentine's Day, and you happen to be out of town, don't have your roommate call to wish her happy Valentines Day for you, especially if your roommate is really weird/creepy or has a voice like Kermit the Frog. CALL HER YOURSELF. (Is is, however, okay to have your roommate leave a gift from you on her doorstep without letting her know who left it. She'll be impressed. Really impressed.)

A Guide For Guys (Part 1 of 3: A Few Do's)

In honor of V-Day, the big love-fest, I've put together a handy little guide for guys who are in the midst of figuring out the complicated landscape called dating. Fortunately, not all men are clueless. But I have run across a few who just have no idea. So, I'm making a handy-dandy guide for dudes who don't get it. If you're not a dude, you can put this on your fridge for the next time you run across one who needs some gentle hints on how to treat the female species. This is drawn from my own personal experience only (feel free to laugh at my pain, though).

1. You can never compliment a girl too much. Really, you can't. It doesn't make you weak, or whipped, or in any way less of a man. And she'll tell her friends, and they'll think you're awesome. And that's a good thing, trust me. Girls listen to their friends, and it never hurts to impress them. You'll need their good opinion later when you forget your girl's birthday or call her by your ex's name.

2. "I'm sorry you got upset" IS NOT AN APOLOGY!!! (Do try again).

3. If you have to leave in the middle of the night while a girl is sleeping because you're scared of her cat, or your car rolled out of your driveway and through the neighbor's living room, or you got hit by a sudden attack of salmonella and crapped yourself, send her a message the second you get home (or better yet, before you leave) explaining why she woke up alone. Or make up something if you crapped yourself. We really don't want to know that.

4.  If you have a girl and you appreciate her, let her know it or she'll find someone who will. (Just hope she tells you beforehand).

5. If you're dating a girl on Valentines Day, and you think it's all a bunch of consumerist crap, suck it up and ask her out anyway. Don't tell her you'll just be sitting at home watching TV because Valentines Day is stupid. She already knows it's silly, and she doesn't care. At least take her out to dinner. I mean, you have to eat anyway, right? It doesn't have to be a big deal. Just do it because SHE wants to. She will appreciate it, I promise. Just gauge her level of enthusiasm first. You don't want to put on a violin concerto and read your own poetry by candlelight to a cynic. She might laugh, and you will then die.

Lena & Gabe's Excellent Adventure (Days 7 & 8)

The last 2 days of our trip:




On Friday morning we woke up to the storm. Gabe and I cuddled up in the tent and had a long snuggle fest. Then we got up and went to the beach. Perdido Key is a very narrow strip of land, so if you stood in the right place, you could see the ocean on both sides. We’d been on the Gulf side up until then, but Gabe decided he wanted to explore the bay side. So we went to that side and walked along the beach. Gabe loved watching the sandpipers skittering along in their weird way, and the pelicans gliding over the water and diving for fish. It was all very nice until we came upon a dead octopus. Gabe thought that was just amazing, and I’d never seen one up close, so we went and looked at it. Then we noticed a big jellyfish in the water…and then we saw dozens more, all along the beach in the water and on the sand. They were humongous! We came across the behemoth one, about twelve inches across, and I had a stick so I opened up the ‘skirt’ and let Gabe see the tentacles. That sort of freaked him out, and he wanted to go back. He had lots of questions about jellyfish the rest of the day.

We swam a few times, jumping in the water for about ten seconds each time, which Gabe loved. Unfortunately, we both got sunburned that day, too. In the afternoon we walked the mile back to the car and went into town to get some hotdogs for our campfire. It was supposed to rain again that night, and it was cloudy off and on all day, but we were hoping for a little bit of time for a fire first. We walked back to the campsite, took a little nap, watched the most amazing sunset I think I’ve ever seen (of course my phone battery had died and I couldn’t take pictures, grrr). Then we dug a pit and tried to light a fire.

Okay, first of all, our wood had gotten wet in the rain the night before. Secondly, our paper had gotten wet TWICE and never fully dried from the rain the first night we camped at the state park. Then it had gotten damp again Thursday night. And if you’ve ever been to the beach, you know that nothing dries there. Nothing. Ever.

So we crumpled up our soggy damp paper and put our damp wood on top and about 5 pieces of kindling we’d found along the beach. I lit the paper about fifty times and every time it only smoldered and went out. I was getting really desperate. I hadn’t carried that huge bag of wood down the beach for nothing. FINALLY a piece of paper caught fire, and I lit about five others with the flame. They burned for about one minute and then went out. I was about to scream in frustration, but I moved some logs around instead, hoping that all the paper hadn’t burned and left us with a bunch of big, damp logs and nothing to start them with. And suddenly, a flame flickered up from the smoldering paper. We frantically fed pieces of cardboard into the flame, and eventually, our fight started up. It looked like the wood was burning really fast, so we started cooking hotdogs immediately. They kept getting charred, but we managed to eat a few. I put the last two pieces of wood on the fire and they lasted…for hours. We didn’t have any marshmallows, so Gabe decided we should roast dried figs on the fire, so we did that a while. Then Gabe looked at me and said, “This is the best night of my whole life.” And it was all worth it.

We threw a couple hotdogs on the fire so Gabe could see them turn black, which he thought was pretty cool. He also enjoyed poking them with his skewer stick, and lighting his skewer on fire and poking it into the sand to watch it extinguish. He sat in my lap and we huddled into the warmth when it got chilly on the beach. The fire lasted a long, long time, and I let Gabe stay up late until all the flames died out. He got to dump a bucket of water on the coals, which he also loved. And fortunately for us, it did not rain at all that night.

On Saturday morning we got up early and watched the most amazing sunrise while we packed up our stuff. I wanted to make it back to Arkansas that day, but it was such a long drive I thought we’d stop in Little Rock. But we left so early that we got back to Little Rock by 6pm, and it was so early that I thought I’d just stick it out. We drove 14 hours…remind me never to do that again. It was awful, and Gabe got bored, and we were both sore from riding so long. We got back late that night, ending our epic road trip. And we both survived.

Lena & Gabe's Excellent Adventure (Day 6)

I lacked internet access most of the last few days, so I'll try to catch up real quick.

Day 6 (Thursday), we drove the short distance from Destin to Perdido Key. For once, not an entire day spent driving! It was wonderful. We got to the beach in the early afternoon. The ranger took our money and told us the camping was "primitive."
I said, "Great!"
He looked at me like I was insane, and told me that we'd have to walk a mile down the beach to the camping area.
No problem!
And then he said that before we got to the beach, we'd have to walk half a mile down the road from the parking lot to the walkway to the beach.
Also, no problem.
I asked if we could have a campfire and where we could get some wood. Didn't want to repeat the camping experience from the prior night. The ranger told us to go to the local Winn-Dixie (I didn't even know those really existed anymore) and buy some. So, we drove down and got two bags of wood. Let me just say that 25lbs might not sound like a lot, but it's heavy. Really heavy. Especially when it's encased in tough plastic with a handle made of the same tough plastic that threatens to rip through your skin as you carry it.
We got back to the beach, parked, and began our walk. I began to wish I'd listened when the ranger stressed again that I'd have to walk a mile on a soft sand beach. While carrying two sleeping bags, a gallon of water, a bag of food, and 25 lbs of wood. And Gabe had the tent in his backpack and a bag of paper for the fire. It was a long, long mile.
Finally we saw a sign: CAMPING BEYOND THIS POINT ONLY.

I staggered up to the sign like a dying man in a movie who sees water, dropped my bags, and thought about collapsing on top of them. Instead, I went back to meet Gabe, who had fallen far behind. I carried his bag (so light!) and we looked around the camping area. It was basically a deserted white sand beach with dunes as far as you could see. It felt like we'd been dropped on a deserted island. Once we got our tent set up, we ran down and jumped in the water....for about 15 seconds. It was maybe 59 degrees. Maybe.

Gabe played on the beach while I napped and took pictures of the beautiful area. We watched the sunset (gorgeous), ate some of our food, and went to bed early that night. We did not burn that 25lb bag of wood. We left it beside the tent.

That night, it poured rain. The tent didn't flood too bad, and it was kind of nice and cozy lying there with the rain beating down and the tent threatening to blow away, listening to the waves smash against the shore and hoping it didn't turn into a hurricane.

Lena & Gabe's Excellent Adventure (Days 4 & 5)

It's been a busy 2 days and I have tons of stuff to write about! I didn't have internet or phone service most of yesterday or I would have given Day 4 its own post, which it deserves. But it will have to share.

Day 4 (Tuesday) we woke up in Perry, Florida and set out down the coast on Highway 98. We were going to meet up with Ryan that afternoon or evening. We didn't have a lot of distance to cover, so we dawdled through Suwannee Nature Reserve for a few hours, driving around on all the trails and looking at the cool plants. We stopped and looked at a salt marsh, where Gabe was fascinated by mussels growing in the water and the sound of palm leaves in the wind. Other than that, we only saw one young deer, a buck, that got spooked by the car and ran headlong into a fence. It was sort of funny, but awful, too.

We got tired of driving around and went down to Manatee Springs State Park where we planned to camp that night. Ryan said he would drive up when he got off work. My phone didn't get service out there, and the battery died soon after we arrived, so I couldn't contact him. Gabe and I walked on a trail and decided to pick up some dead wood to burn for our campfire. We were almost back to our campsite when a ranger accosted us and said that the state of Florida wouldn't let anyone pick up wood to burn. Huh? It wasn't like we were cutting down trees! Apparently the dead wood is part of the scenery and not supposed to be disturbed. So, he told us to go to the ranger station and buy some wood. We dropped our firewood and went up to the ranger station...which was closed. So, we couldn't have a fire. It wasn't terribly cold, but it was definitely chilly.

We went along the boardwalk and looked at the springs, but of course we did not see any manatees. We did see hundreds of vultures perched on the trees all along the water. We played on a playground for a while and went back to our fire-less campsite. We huddled in the tent for warmth and ate cold dinner by the light of our flashlight. The campsite had a plug, so I charged my phone and managed to get one text through to Ryan asking him to bring wood. Then, we huddled up to wait.

Gabe went to sleep and I napped a while. I got up at 930 and sat on the picnic table and watched the herds of deer wander through the clearings in the camping area, and listened to an owl hooting nearby, and looked at the millions of dazzlingly bright stars. Eventually, I went back to the tent to lie down. Ryan arrived at 11 bearing wood. We lit a fire right away and sat talking for a long time. The wood burned out way too quickly, so Ryan made another run into the next town. We stayed up until 330am talking and reminiscing and catching up on each other's lives.

The next morning (Day 5) we woke early to the sound of rain pelting our tent. It was cozy and warm inside, so I tried to sleep more. But that fantasy was rudely interrupted by rain dripping through the roof onto my face. Water had already pooled in the corners of the tent and wet our sleeping bags, pillow, and blankets. I broke down the tent in the rain, said goodbye to Ryan, and got out of there as fast as I could.

Since it was raining, we didn't have anything to do but drive. So we headed back up the coast. After a while, the rain tapered off and I saw a sign for a lighthouse. I love lighthouses, so we went to check it out. It was in St. Mark's State Park. We hiked along a short trail and looked at the Spanish moss hanging over everything and the marsh grasses. A few ponds had tons of birds, and we stopped and watched them for a while. Gabe was very interested in watching the sandpipers dip their heads underwater to get food, and with a little duck that ran across the water to join the flock.

After St. Mark's, we got back on Highway 98 and continued north. We stopped at Mexico Beach and stretched our legs and Gabe got to play in the soft, white sand. It was really pretty. I picked up shells and took pictures. We drove most of the day, stopping again at the beach in Destin to watch the sun set. It was perfect, but my phone died in the middle of the sunset and I didn't get pictures of the best part! Still, it was beautiful--the green-glass sea, the powdery white sand, the sun sinking into the water. The wind was cold, but it was worth getting chilled to watch the sunset.

We found a hotel that gave us a big double room for the price of a single, and here we are. The next two days will be camping, and rustic camping too. So, probably no blogs for a few days!