A Guide for Guys (Part 3 of 3: Great Dates)

Happy Valentines Day all you love-lorn fools and lovesick puppies!

Hope everyone has a wonderful, happy, love-filled day with or without a date.

Here is the last installment of helpful hints for you men (or your man). Happily brought to you by My Traumatizing Dating Experiences, LLC. A few tips on what to do (or not) to make a date successful.

If you missed Part One and Part Two, find them here.

1. If you want a date on Friday, and you wait until Thursday (or Friday--the horror!) to ask, don't get mad if she's already made plans. If you respect her, you'll ask at least 2 or 3 days in advance, because you realize that her life does not revolve around you. Just be glad she'll make plans with you at all, and if it makes you feel better, think about the other people she'll be telling "Sorry, I'm busy," when they ask her to do something on Friday. (Plus, waiting until the last minute says she is your last priority. If that's true, you shouldn't be dating her).

2.  If your girl plans a creative surprise date for you, and you show up and realize she's taking you to a circus, and you forgot to mention that you have a deathly terror of clowns... After you run screaming from the place, please stop and consider the following (once safely inside your car where the scary clowns can't get you): a. she didn't know you hated clowns and feels stupid for not asking, b. you trampled all over her ego in your haste to tear out of there, and c. she's standing there all alone holding two tickets to the clown show, probably wondering if she should go home with that one who winked at her because at least she knows he won't abandon her at a circus. You should immediately do the following: call and explain your nut-shrinking fear of clowns stemming from a childhood viewing of IT, and then tell her you'll make it up to her by taking her out whenever she wants, to do whatever she wants, even if it's getting a couple's manicure or bikini wax. Just get one, already. You owe her.

3. If you ask a girl what she's doing all weekend and she says she has off and has no plans, ask her to do something, or you're just the asshole who left her hanging. You shouldn't have asked if you didn't want to make plans with her. And if you already have plans, ask her to come along to your motor-oil wrestling competition or drive-by shooting. She can always say no, and you'll still look like the good guy. She said she wasn't busy because (hello!) she wants you to ask her out.

4. If you ask a girl to go skiing, or sychronized swimming, or on a drive-by with you, then you have to stay with her. You asked her to hang out, remember? The point is to be together. Don't leave her, even if she says you can. Even if she tells you to. Even if she says, "I've been shot, leave me for dead. Save yourself!" She doesn't want to die alone. She wants you to hold her while she gurgles her dying breath. Or at least to hang out with her while she gets the hang of the kiddie slopes.

5. Just because neither of you have mentioned Valentines Day doesn't mean your girlfriend has forgotten about it. She probably thinks you're planning a surprise. So if you haven't made plans, call and make a quick reservation or stop and get her tickets to a show or a little something else on your way home. Because you really don't want to be that guy standing there empty-handed when his girlfriend gives him a present and says, "So, what'd you get me?"

5.1 (Bonus) Just make sure your surprise is something your girlfriend will appreciate. While some women may admire the creativity of your disemboweled teddy bear with gummy worms crawling out its empty eye-sockets, believe it or not, not all women will. Some of them may decide you are indeed a future serial killer (or a guy who might pin his restraining order to her head with a knife).