A Guide for Guys (Part 2 of 3: What Not to Do)

Hello all. That day so dreaded by singles and so anticipated by the coupled-up is rapidly approaching. In honor of the day of love, I'm giving out free advice on how to woo and court and generally please female-kind. If you're one of the fortunate ladies who has an 'other' for the day in question, but you're not sure he's quite tuned in to the finer points of dating a real live woman, feel free to share this little guide with him by 'accidentally' leaving it on the printer/counter/taped to his steering wheel.

Here are five mishaps to avoid, straight from the vast pool of my cringeworthy moments.

1. If you take your lady out to dinner and she orders a burger, don't say, "Are you sure you don't want a salad?" Don't even mention a salad. Don't even hint at it. You might think you're being subtle, but you're not. In fact, don't even look at the list of salads. And please, please, for the love of God, don't order a salad. Please.

1a. Also, never grab a girl's stomach and tell her she has muffin top. Especially on the first date. But even if you've been dating five years, just don't do it. On a related note, never tell a woman that you like how her _______ jiggles, even if you really do like it and you think it's a compliment. It's not. (If you don't believe me, imagine how you'd feel if she said YOURS jiggled... Yeah, that's what I thought).

2. If you did something bad and then got in a fight, and you tell your lady that you're going to take her out and make it up to her/talk about it, do NOT go to the following places: a strip club (I'm serious), Hooters (again, serious), Waffle House (just don't) or McDonalds (ever tried to have a serious conversation while seven unbathed children drip snot into your hair from the seat behind you?). If you're short on funds, throw on a couple of grilled cheese at home, light a candle and prepare to apologize (see Part 1, #2). We're not here for your money. We just want to know you care. Taking us out to watch a naked woman gyrate on your lap does not scream remorse, let me tell ya.

3. Don't introduce a girl by saying, "This is my friend (insert name here)" (even if you've only been on five minutes of one date) if you even want to kiss her during this lifetime. It's like being slapped. Introduce her by first name only, until you're ready to introduce her as your girlfriend. Oh, and don't introduce her as your girlfriend after the first date unless you've mutually agreed on the status beforehand. Don't tell your mom you have a girlfriend after one or two dates, either, even if your mom is really wishing you'd find a girl who will put up with you long enough to be called a girlfriend. Nothing quite so awkward as having to explain to a man's mother that you are not, in fact, his girlfriend (you're just sleeping with her son).

4. If a girl you've been gently stalking threatens to get a restraining order on you, don't tell her you're going to pin it to her head with a knife. Common sense? You'd think....

5. If you're dating a girl on Valentine's Day, and you happen to be out of town, don't have your roommate call to wish her happy Valentines Day for you, especially if your roommate is really weird/creepy or has a voice like Kermit the Frog. CALL HER YOURSELF. (Is is, however, okay to have your roommate leave a gift from you on her doorstep without letting her know who left it. She'll be impressed. Really impressed.)