A Guide for Guys (Post V-Day Regrets: Oh No You Didn't!)

Valentines Day has come and gone. You had your shot to impress or less. How'd you do?

Well, even if you proposed by putting a ring in her dessert and she broke a tooth or choked and had to go to the hospital, don't despair. Or if you spilled wine all over her new dress. Or if you didn't listen to my sage advice and you didn't ask her to do anything, and she cried. If you're wondering why she hasn't called you back, make sure you didn't do any of the following.

1. Did you really make her ask you out? Shame on you!!!

2. If among your cuddling and sweet talking you said anything even remotely close to, "I wish I could keep you locked up in my basement so you could never see anyone else for the rest of your life." Maybe you thought it was sweet, but it's just creepy.

3. You've been going out for 3 months and still haven't kissed her? She thinks you're gay and she's given up.

4. You drank a few too many and seem to have a big blank space in your memory. Maybe at a somewhat crucial moment. Better find out what happened next. Really. You better.

5. Did everything right and still got the cold shoulder? You got her flowers, gave her a massage, made her dinner, and sang her a great song at karaoke, even bought an embarrassingly sentimental stuffed monkey for her because you know she loves monkeys, and yet she was unmoved?

Go find someone else. You're wasting your time and she doesn't deserve you, anyway (but feel free to give me a call. I love massages. And monkeys).

A Guide for Guys (Part 3 of 3: Great Dates)

Happy Valentines Day all you love-lorn fools and lovesick puppies!

Hope everyone has a wonderful, happy, love-filled day with or without a date.

Here is the last installment of helpful hints for you men (or your man). Happily brought to you by My Traumatizing Dating Experiences, LLC. A few tips on what to do (or not) to make a date successful.

If you missed Part One and Part Two, find them here.

1. If you want a date on Friday, and you wait until Thursday (or Friday--the horror!) to ask, don't get mad if she's already made plans. If you respect her, you'll ask at least 2 or 3 days in advance, because you realize that her life does not revolve around you. Just be glad she'll make plans with you at all, and if it makes you feel better, think about the other people she'll be telling "Sorry, I'm busy," when they ask her to do something on Friday. (Plus, waiting until the last minute says she is your last priority. If that's true, you shouldn't be dating her).

2.  If your girl plans a creative surprise date for you, and you show up and realize she's taking you to a circus, and you forgot to mention that you have a deathly terror of clowns... After you run screaming from the place, please stop and consider the following (once safely inside your car where the scary clowns can't get you): a. she didn't know you hated clowns and feels stupid for not asking, b. you trampled all over her ego in your haste to tear out of there, and c. she's standing there all alone holding two tickets to the clown show, probably wondering if she should go home with that one who winked at her because at least she knows he won't abandon her at a circus. You should immediately do the following: call and explain your nut-shrinking fear of clowns stemming from a childhood viewing of IT, and then tell her you'll make it up to her by taking her out whenever she wants, to do whatever she wants, even if it's getting a couple's manicure or bikini wax. Just get one, already. You owe her.

3. If you ask a girl what she's doing all weekend and she says she has off and has no plans, ask her to do something, or you're just the asshole who left her hanging. You shouldn't have asked if you didn't want to make plans with her. And if you already have plans, ask her to come along to your motor-oil wrestling competition or drive-by shooting. She can always say no, and you'll still look like the good guy. She said she wasn't busy because (hello!) she wants you to ask her out.

4. If you ask a girl to go skiing, or sychronized swimming, or on a drive-by with you, then you have to stay with her. You asked her to hang out, remember? The point is to be together. Don't leave her, even if she says you can. Even if she tells you to. Even if she says, "I've been shot, leave me for dead. Save yourself!" She doesn't want to die alone. She wants you to hold her while she gurgles her dying breath. Or at least to hang out with her while she gets the hang of the kiddie slopes.

5. Just because neither of you have mentioned Valentines Day doesn't mean your girlfriend has forgotten about it. She probably thinks you're planning a surprise. So if you haven't made plans, call and make a quick reservation or stop and get her tickets to a show or a little something else on your way home. Because you really don't want to be that guy standing there empty-handed when his girlfriend gives him a present and says, "So, what'd you get me?"

5.1 (Bonus) Just make sure your surprise is something your girlfriend will appreciate. While some women may admire the creativity of your disemboweled teddy bear with gummy worms crawling out its empty eye-sockets, believe it or not, not all women will. Some of them may decide you are indeed a future serial killer (or a guy who might pin his restraining order to her head with a knife).

A Guide for Guys (Part 2 of 3: What Not to Do)

Hello all. That day so dreaded by singles and so anticipated by the coupled-up is rapidly approaching. In honor of the day of love, I'm giving out free advice on how to woo and court and generally please female-kind. If you're one of the fortunate ladies who has an 'other' for the day in question, but you're not sure he's quite tuned in to the finer points of dating a real live woman, feel free to share this little guide with him by 'accidentally' leaving it on the printer/counter/taped to his steering wheel.

Here are five mishaps to avoid, straight from the vast pool of my cringeworthy moments.

1. If you take your lady out to dinner and she orders a burger, don't say, "Are you sure you don't want a salad?" Don't even mention a salad. Don't even hint at it. You might think you're being subtle, but you're not. In fact, don't even look at the list of salads. And please, please, for the love of God, don't order a salad. Please.

1a. Also, never grab a girl's stomach and tell her she has muffin top. Especially on the first date. But even if you've been dating five years, just don't do it. On a related note, never tell a woman that you like how her _______ jiggles, even if you really do like it and you think it's a compliment. It's not. (If you don't believe me, imagine how you'd feel if she said YOURS jiggled... Yeah, that's what I thought).

2. If you did something bad and then got in a fight, and you tell your lady that you're going to take her out and make it up to her/talk about it, do NOT go to the following places: a strip club (I'm serious), Hooters (again, serious), Waffle House (just don't) or McDonalds (ever tried to have a serious conversation while seven unbathed children drip snot into your hair from the seat behind you?). If you're short on funds, throw on a couple of grilled cheese at home, light a candle and prepare to apologize (see Part 1, #2). We're not here for your money. We just want to know you care. Taking us out to watch a naked woman gyrate on your lap does not scream remorse, let me tell ya.

3. Don't introduce a girl by saying, "This is my friend (insert name here)" (even if you've only been on five minutes of one date) if you even want to kiss her during this lifetime. It's like being slapped. Introduce her by first name only, until you're ready to introduce her as your girlfriend. Oh, and don't introduce her as your girlfriend after the first date unless you've mutually agreed on the status beforehand. Don't tell your mom you have a girlfriend after one or two dates, either, even if your mom is really wishing you'd find a girl who will put up with you long enough to be called a girlfriend. Nothing quite so awkward as having to explain to a man's mother that you are not, in fact, his girlfriend (you're just sleeping with her son).

4. If a girl you've been gently stalking threatens to get a restraining order on you, don't tell her you're going to pin it to her head with a knife. Common sense? You'd think....

5. If you're dating a girl on Valentine's Day, and you happen to be out of town, don't have your roommate call to wish her happy Valentines Day for you, especially if your roommate is really weird/creepy or has a voice like Kermit the Frog. CALL HER YOURSELF. (Is is, however, okay to have your roommate leave a gift from you on her doorstep without letting her know who left it. She'll be impressed. Really impressed.)

A Guide For Guys (Part 1 of 3: A Few Do's)

In honor of V-Day, the big love-fest, I've put together a handy little guide for guys who are in the midst of figuring out the complicated landscape called dating. Fortunately, not all men are clueless. But I have run across a few who just have no idea. So, I'm making a handy-dandy guide for dudes who don't get it. If you're not a dude, you can put this on your fridge for the next time you run across one who needs some gentle hints on how to treat the female species. This is drawn from my own personal experience only (feel free to laugh at my pain, though).

1. You can never compliment a girl too much. Really, you can't. It doesn't make you weak, or whipped, or in any way less of a man. And she'll tell her friends, and they'll think you're awesome. And that's a good thing, trust me. Girls listen to their friends, and it never hurts to impress them. You'll need their good opinion later when you forget your girl's birthday or call her by your ex's name.

2. "I'm sorry you got upset" IS NOT AN APOLOGY!!! (Do try again).

3. If you have to leave in the middle of the night while a girl is sleeping because you're scared of her cat, or your car rolled out of your driveway and through the neighbor's living room, or you got hit by a sudden attack of salmonella and crapped yourself, send her a message the second you get home (or better yet, before you leave) explaining why she woke up alone. Or make up something if you crapped yourself. We really don't want to know that.

4.  If you have a girl and you appreciate her, let her know it or she'll find someone who will. (Just hope she tells you beforehand).

5. If you're dating a girl on Valentines Day, and you think it's all a bunch of consumerist crap, suck it up and ask her out anyway. Don't tell her you'll just be sitting at home watching TV because Valentines Day is stupid. She already knows it's silly, and she doesn't care. At least take her out to dinner. I mean, you have to eat anyway, right? It doesn't have to be a big deal. Just do it because SHE wants to. She will appreciate it, I promise. Just gauge her level of enthusiasm first. You don't want to put on a violin concerto and read your own poetry by candlelight to a cynic. She might laugh, and you will then die.