Writer Wednesday: Poetry: hesitate.

The first time I saw you I knew
I had to have you
In your dorky maroon vest and slicked-back hair
You had a girlfriend but I didn’t care
I knew it wouldn’t last forever
I was a patient girl…and clever.

It’s my first day will you train me
I don’t get it can you explain it to me?
Tall, dark and awkward, just my type
A brooding artist super-geek, it was oh so right
Too shy to kiss me so I’ll wait
For you to ask me on a date.

We went hiking and got lost
Ate a pocket full of gummies while we walked
Looked at the sky when it started to sleet
The path not traveled crunched under our feet
We found our way back as it got dark
Next time we’d stay on the path through the park.

It was cereal in the morning, and Chinese takeout
And watching movies at night on your couch
And spending the night in your spare room
Because you were to shy to make a move
I didn’t know how long to wait
For you to hesitate and hesitate.

You called me a square and said you were straight-edge
I was enthralled by every word you said
There was something me in everything of you
And something you in everything of me too
We stayed up til sunrise in the parking lot
Sitting in your car talking about God.

You said I was addictive and you couldn’t get enough
And we danced around that word called love
And I rubbed your feet and held your hands
And lay on your chest and couldn’t understand
Why you wouldn’t lean down and steal me with a kiss
I was burning-heart-beating-hot for your lips.

Finally, finally I kissed you
I didn’t know what else I could do
To let you know I wanted that part of it
You took my hand and put it on your heart
It was beating so hard, so hard
And you thanked me for it like you’d been starved.

I did your dishes and lay on your floor
Watching you watch me and wanting more
And flirting with your friends and making them mine
And becoming part of everything in your life
And wanting to scream I was so frustrated
But always and always you hesitated.

You never made it happen and I didn’t again
And after six months I wanted more than friendship
We went to the park and sat on the swings
Talked about life and relationship things
We agreed we’d work it out
I wanted to end it but I didn’t know how.

I hated myself even then
I didn’t know much of the world or men
But he made me laugh and worshipped me
And grabbed my hand and blushed so sweet
And said all the things you’d never say
And gave me the things you never gave.

We were young and selfish and cruel and scared
But I hate that I let you believe I never cared
And I hate how you had to see me with him
I hate how I made you lose your best friend
I knew it was just an infatuation
But with him there was never any hesitation.